Fear and Pain

I seem to be finding myself very fearful lately. I've been having horrible nightmares. Dreams of The Hulk being run over by semi trucks. Heather being thrown off the Golden Gate bridge. My mom screaming for me and me not being able to get to her. I even had a dream that mom was alive and took The Hulk to see Heather and they all burnt inside the car in a car wreck. Is it shocking that I'm not sleeping much???

So all of these nightmares leave me frazzled even during the day. I find myself almost in a panic if I can't hear The Hulk. If I can't reach Heather by phone after two tries I'm convinced she is hurt or worse. I am even scared to fly at the end of this month to D.C. and I've never been scared of flying.

So what does all this mean? That's the real question! And what is causing it? I think it honestly is my fear of losing the people close to me. After much thought I think some of it is triggered by mother's day approaching. That day is always very difficult for me. So add that stresser with Heather moving away next week and my anxiety goes through the roof.

Living without my mom was my biggest fear. It is still my biggest fear. That pain is still so intense that at times it paralyzes me in a way. Even the thought of being without Heather and The Hulk is too much to bear. Just typing that makes me feel like vomiting. So somehow this fear and pain has crept into my dreams and now my daily activities...

So how do I fix it? Living in fear is not an option. We all take risks every day. Fear and pain and grief are not going to dictate how I live. So something has to give. So how to deal. I've been spending some time praying about this and doing some searches to see what God says in the Bible about fear and grief. I think that helps some. And I've considered doing the therapy thing again. It was beneficial right after mom died so maybe it would help now... I don't know. What I do know is that this can't keep happening...

Frowned Upon

Apparently burning leaves within city limits is "frowned upon" here. It seems that this is actually a fineable offense. It also can result in civil charges if your burning of leaves would cause damage to city property or your neighbors home. It is also apparently at no point acceptable to joke about fire safety. Fire safety is a "serious matter". Fire can cause loss of property and lives. So it is "not acceptable" to burn anything within city limits! If this is "difficult for you" you can always "relocate to an area outside city limits".

This is just some information I read on the Internet. There is no way any of this is a reflection of my life. I would never consider lighting a pile of leaves on fire in an effort to save time. That is just ridiculous!!!



Clickin Mama

What Do You Feed That Kid

What do you feed that kid? Oh if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that I would be one rich mama! I think people assume that The Hulk eats a lot or eats crap since he is such a big boy. Neither of those things is true. He used to eat a lot but in the last few months he has slowed down quite a bit. The great thing is that kid will eat pretty much anything. He has yet to meet a veggie he didn't like. So here are a few of the things The Hulk ate the other day.

For lunch he had strawberries, lima beans, cucumber, and garbanzo beans. I just chop everything up and he feeds himself. He loves to be a big boy and do it himself. The dog also loves this because she steals whatever he drops....




For dinner he had a cheese quesadilla (whole wheat tortilla with a little shredded cheese) chopped up, some grapes and carrots. He loved the tortilla and it was an easy way to get some whole grains in.




I try to have every meal include a grain, protein, veggie and/or fruit. The Hulk eats way more veggies than he does fruit. He just likes them more. That kid would eat green beans and lima beans all day if you would let him. Pretty simple to feed him. I'm so lucky he is not a picky eater!!!!

Clickin Mama

Home Owner

You know I love being a home owner. I like that I have a house that is mine. I like that I'm building equity. I like that I don't answer to a landlord. Those are all great things. But I'm beginning to hate my house. I feel like something always needs to be done to it. And I know that is just part of owning a home but it's a pain. Lord knows I don't have the time or money to stay ahead of the things this house is demanding.

My A/C is about to go. It's older than dirt and doesn't even cool the whole house. But the parts it used to cool aren't very cool anymore. So the A/C repair guy is coming tomorrow to look at that. I'm dreading hearing what he has to say.

And something somewhere is leaking leaving a huge wet area on my carpet in front of the laundry room. I don't know for sure where that is coming from but hopefully the A/C guy can figure that out for me too before my carpet is totally destroyed.

And then my favorite thing right now is how my beautiful ceramic tile is coming up and cracking as the foundation shifts. SUPER! Not only is it ugly but it's also not so safe. The Hulk seems to think that you can eat grout. Not a good plan.

So the to do list just keeps on growing and the money pot keeps shrinking... UGH!

Clickin Mama

Not Me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

As for me... Well these are a few of the I have NOT done this week!

I did NOT drive thru at the post office to drop off a few letters and drop my cell phone in the mail bin. I did NOT have to go inside and get someone to come retrieve it for me. I did NOT feel like an idiot when the postal employee explained to me that they do NOT mail cell phones.

I did NOT oversleep and in my mad rush to get us ready put The Hulk' shirt on backwards. And I would never just leave it on him backwards!

I also did NOT let my baby go without shoes and socks when it was cold out earlier this week because he kept taking them off anyway. I do NOT believe in natural consequences and I would NOT have let him have cold toes to help him realize the importance of socks.

I did NOT spend 2 hours last night cooking and preparing pretty much all of our food for the week. I'm NOT at all worried about this diabetes thing and I'm NOT obsessing over what I eat at all. Not for a minute!

I did NOT consider running away this weekend when all the kids were crying and the dogs were barking and my head was about to explode.

So what did you NOT do this week?

Clickin Mama

Full House

I've got one full house! My brother and his wife and two girls have been staying with me since Tuesday. They also have a lab. So there are three adults, three kids 2 and under, and two dogs at my house. That means lots of noise! It also means lots of baby laughs, dogs barking, bath splashing, food cooking, laundry washing, and wild times.

So since all of that has been going on I haven't had much time to blog. Crazy I know! But I have some new pics and some new stories so stay tuned next week for some fresh stuff.

Clickin Mama

Your Questions My Answers

Here we go with another fun round of questions and answers. I'm so glad you all feel like you can ask me things. I am a pretty open book so don't hesitate to ask me things. If for some reason I don't feel like I can answer it publicly on the blog I will most likely just email you back. Okay here it goes.

Do you really think you can handle having two children alone?

This has two answers. Do I think I can handle two children alone? Absolutely. Do I think it will be easy? Absolutely not! That's why I am waiting awhile longer before I add to our family. When the time is right everything will fall into place.

Do you sell those tutu's you made for the kids you take pictures of?

I have not sold any tutu's but I would be willing to look into this. Please if you are interested in a tutu let me know and we can talk about sizing, pricing, etc. I think they are really fun to make so I'm very open to this.

Now that The Hulk is bigger and doesn't eat baby food what do you feed him?

The Hulk still eats very healthy food. He eats LOTS of veggies. He loves veggies, there isn't one he won't eat. He eats fruit, oatmeal, yogurt, lots of whole grains and beans, some chicken, fish and red meat. I will probably be doing a post on toddler food soon.

You have mentioned before that you are diabetic. Do you take insulin?

I am a type two diabetic. I currently do not take insulin. But that may be changing soon. My blood sugar is very out of control right now. I've been sick for going on four weeks with this sore throat, lost voice, respiratory stuff. My doctor feels like it is directly related to my high blood sugar. So changes are happening. I meet with him next week to change up my meds and look at a different plan to get my sugars back under control. I actually plan to post about that meeting after it happens to hold myself accountable. My A1C level is dangerously high right now and must come down immediately. I'm at a 11.7 when I should be between 6-7. Kidney failure can begin at 10 so obviously I'm in a dangerous position and it's a bit frightening for me.

Is your sister really going to move? It seems like you two and The Hulk are together a lot for her to actually move that far away.

Yes my sister Heather is actually going to move. Her last day of work will be May 14 and then she will be coming to my house to spend the weekend and then she and Doug are filling the uhaul and heading to San Francisco. So she is actually leaving sooner than I anticipated. Heather, The Hulk, and I are very close and spend lots of time together. While this move will be a change for all of us I am confident that we can maintain regular contact. We live in an age of cell phones, web cams and airplanes. We will be seeing each other in person about every other month and we are planning to use the web cams to talk and so The Hulk can see Aunt Heather. One thing I know for sure is that no matter where Heather and I go we will always be close. This is a change and a challenge but it's also a great opportunity for her and we of course support her.

So that's all the questions and answers for today. Feel free to ask away. I will be doing another post like this next month too.

Clickin Mama