Yard Therapy

Something has come over me lately. It's an obsession really. My yard. I've lived in this house for 4 years. The first spring/summer I was here after my mom died all I did was lay in the pool. I paid a guy to mow the yard and then did nothing else. And then the past three spring/summers Hulk was so little it was to much of a hassle to do much with the yard. I planted a few flowers but that was about it.

But this year Hulk is big enough to entertain himself in the yard while I work or he can help me. While everything else in my life seems to be falling apart the yard is what holds me together. I feel like it is the one place I have control. I cut down tree branches and bushes. I pile them and then set them ablaze. I move rocks and build flower beds and feel like I'm laying claim to the land. I pull weeds and plant grass and obsessively water and care for it. I yell at Hulk to get out of the grass and baby it along urging it to grow.

Tonight after the yard was nicely mowed and watered I was pushing Hulk on the swings. He was laughing and the sun was starting to set. I could hear the birds and feel the breeze. And as I looked across the yard at my flowers and bright green well fertilized back yard I felt blessed. It was the first feeling of peace I've had in weeks.

Maybe the yard therapy will pay off after all....

Tornados and Weddings

It's been a busy news week. Horrible natural disasters and a royal wedding! I have only allowed myself to read a few new stories about both. It's these times that I'm a little bit glad I don't have cable anymore. I get too caught up in watching the news and spend way to much time on it. So I've just seen snippets here and there online.

I won't lie though I did love the footage I watched of the royal wedding. It's so silly because I don't really consider myself to be a girlie girl. I was never really into the whole princess thing as a kid. But watching Kate walk down the aisle as a normal girl and then become a princess was pretty cool to me. She looked beautiful and for just a brief moment I really wanted to be a princess too!!!

Thoughts In My Head

So many thoughts in my head... And the bad part is I can't seem to do much with any of them. I'm not sleeping well and Hulk isn't sleeping well. The lack of sleep and the stress means I'm not functioning all that great. So I've resorted to living by way of post it notes. Yes indeed my house and office is now a post it note museum. It's the only way I remember anything! I feel like I did when Hulk was about 6 weeks old and I wasn't sleeping then. Post it notes got me thru that stage, hopefully they can carry me through this one.

I was trying to try all these new techniques and interventions and behavior modifications that I'm learning. But honestly we just need to stabilize. Hulk and I both are overloaded and worn out I think. So the goal now is to just get us back to status quo. We need to get back to a routine that works for us and then add in the new stuff after the meds stabilize and we rest. So my post it notes remind me to cook us something healthy, return library books, order diapers, deliver pictures, and exercise. I figure if we can just get through the daily stuff for awhile we can work on the other stuff later.

And since it's 1 in the morning I better listen to the post it note that tells me to go to bed....

Jess

Garage Sale Finds

I've never been a huge fan of garage sales. Well until recently. I've now become a bit garage sale obsessed. I've found some really awesome things lately and saved myself lots of money! So I thought I'd start sharing my finds with you. This weekend I hit the mother load of garage sales! I'm usually on the hunt for photo props or stuff for Hulk. I hit the jackpot this weekend.

At one garage sale I found the apple basket, vintage radio flyer trike, and the 10 gallon milk jug for $40! The trike and the milk jug are individually worth at least $40. They will make such great photo props! And then I found Hulk a kid lawn mower for $1. That is the best $1 I've spent in awhile. He loves that thing!

So for $41.00 I made out like a bandit!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!!!

We had a wonderful Easter! We were planning on going to Tulsa to visit family. And then my Dad's aunt died so he and Cricket came to town for her funeral. While that was sad it was a great suprise to get to see them and visit!

Hulk spent time coloring easter eggs with Aunt Phyllis and I. He thought that was pretty neat. Though he did want to eat them all! He also got lots of Easter goodies from Heather and I. And he got to have two easter egg hunts. One at our house that the neighbor kids set up for him. And another with my nieces. This is the first year he has really understood how to dye eggs or hunt eggs so it was a blast.

We also made our annual Easter visit out to mom's place. I love visiting her on Easter. It's always nice to take her new spring decorations. But Easter reminds me that I will see her again fills me with hope and excitement for that day!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter too!!!

Thanks!

Thanks to all of you for your kind words, emails, suggestions of blogs and websites to check out and just your support! I appreciate it more than you know. There is so much information out there and I'm wading through it all slowly. What I can tell you for sure is that today was the best day we have had in MONTHS!!!

For the first time in weeks Hulk was able to go with me to Wal-Mart. While this isn't a big deal to lots of people it was huge for him. We went to get flowers and he did amazing. He didn't get overwhelmed and freak out. When I had to tell him no there were no huge fits. He was SUPER! We didn't get a lot of flowers, just a few for the front yard. I'm hoping to get the back yard done in a couple weeks.

Since he did so great I told him he could pick out any type of flower he wanted. He told me he wanted the happy flowers. He pointed them out and it was marigolds. He was so "besided" to get home and get them planted. We put them in the window box that he picked and he was just so happy.

Tonight I asked him how he felt and he told me "so better". I can't imagine what it must be like for him to feel more in control of himself. It's amazing for me to watch so I bet it does feel so much better to him!

I'm so excited to see how school goes for him tomorrow! I hope he has another fabulous day.

A Confession

So I have a confession to make. I was really busy and that is a big part of why I didn't post for so long. But the main reason was because when I blog it forces me to be honest and real about the things going on in my life. And like most people when things aren't going great I would much rather pull the wool over my eyes and hide from it rather than admit there is a problem. But there was/is a big problem. You see I have an adorable amazing 3 year old boy that is in crisis.

Hulk has been struggling with lots of different things for quite some time. But for about the last 6 months things have been very rough. And for the last 6 weeks things have been downright difficult. I've tried doctors and behavior plans, therapists and prayers, and yet nothing was working. Wednesday night I found myself laying on my couch sobbing and seriously wondering if we could continue on like this. So I finally admitted it. To my sister, to my best friend, to myself. Something had to change immediately!

So Thursday and Friday was spent in much discussion with Hulk's therapist and doctor. And I finally allowed myself to really hear what they were saying and I'm allowing myself to accept the truth. My precious boy has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I stood in the doctors office with him and my Darbis and bawled as it sunk in. FAS isn't fixable and it is something I never wanted him to have! But he does and he will and luckily we are getting help. Admitting the problem is half the battle right????

So I let myself feel sorry for him and I yesterday. And this morning we started on a new positive plan. He began medication today to help with his impulsivity and constant movement. I'm still a little nervous about that but we actually ate dinner tonight and when we got done he said "wow mama no wiggles". I cried happy tears and he declared himself awesome. He is awesome! And we are going to to be awesome together.

That's the truth of it.