Ugh I've been dreading this post. I wanted to post and tell you all how wonderful our Christmas was. I was going to have a lovely new mom happy baby Christmas post. I was going to tell you all about the joy of Christmas and how the spirit of Christmas just touched my heart. It was going to be a really great happy post. Hmmmm as much as I've tried to muster all that up I just can't do it. Christmas was not so great here....
Christmas Eve service is always my favorite church service of the year. Something about the songs, the candlelight, the message. It's always been my favorite. Until my mom died. But this year it was all going to be good again. I have The Hulk now and because I have him I really thought I'd love Christmas again. Boy what a job to give one little boy. Hey baby, welcome to the world, now fix my heart and heal my grief. He can't crawl, can't control his bladder, and doesn't use real words, but I wanted him to make it all better. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me! Poor kid!
So we go to the service and things are going okay for about 3 minutes. Then I start looking around me at the families. All the moms and their kids. The people that are the same age as Heather and I sitting there in pews with their mom's. The smiling happy families. And you know what starts running through my head. Horrible thoughts. Things like "I wonder why happy girl there doesn't have a dead mom and I do," and "She was never very nice to her kids when we were growing up, why didn't she get the cancer". Boy that is gonna score me great God points right! Wishing the death and cancer upon other families. Super!
So I start praying that God will make the bad thoughts go away and they fade for a minute. And I hold my baby and sing some songs and all is well. We listen to the sermon and pass the offering plate and still no thoughts of dead moms. And then the final song comes. We light the candles and the lights go out. The deaf people start signing and we start singing Silent Night. This is my mom's favorite part. She loved to watch the deaf choir sign this song. And I hold my little baby and I start to cry and I get pissed. Pissed that the lady in front of me has her three adult children with her, two of whom are pregnant. Pissed that she is gonna hold her grandbabies and sing this song and my mom can't. And pissed that my mom couldn't be here. And then I'm pissed that it's been 2 1/2 years and I'm still so desperate for her. Ugh!
So I look over at Heather and she gives me that look. The one that says yeah we got screwed. The one that says she is thinking of dead mom's too. The one that says she can't stand the happy smiling people either. And I know that if I'm getting sent straight to hell at least she is on the bus with me. So I suck up my tears, wipe my eyes, and the lights come back on. Heather then gives me the other look. The one that says get it together or we are gonna get the I'm sorry your mom is dead pity look. So I make sure my makeup is in order, paste on my happiest face and we start to exit. We share or Merry Christmas greetings with all the happy people. We do a good job of faking that we are okay, we are strong, we aren't cursing them all inside. And we usher ourselves to the back.
And that is when I see her. She is so tall and graceful. One of the most beautiful woman that I've ever met in my life. She gives Heather and I the look and we know. She has that same fake smile and the red rimmed eyes. The same smile but the very same hollow sad hating the happy people eyes. And I know that she knows. She acts like she is okay too but I know she isn't and she knows we aren't. She is in our club except she misses her husband who got the cancer too. And instead of running to her and hugging her and having a little club party we do what the club members always do. We smile, we give the nod and we look away. Because if the grieving club members ever stopped to talk the crying would start and never stop. So we nod, say Merry Christmas and move along.
After that joyous night your thinking that Christmas Day would be better right. But I awaken to puke. I'm convinced it's nerves. But no The Hulk and Heather have it too. It's some horrible Christmas virus. It's probably the punishment for all the bad thoughts I've had at church the day before.
So here's to hoping New Year's is better!