Perspective

You know when things are tough and you think you have it pretty bad then something happens and you realize that really isn't the case. It just puts everything in perspective and you realize that there really is always someone that has it worse that you. Well unfortunately I have been reminded of that this week.

My sister's best friend Kelci had a wonderful little boy 7 weeks ago. Max is a doll and is so darn loved. I had the opportunity to take Kelci's maternity pics and she was so very excited. She enjoyed her maternity leave at home with Max, holding him and spoiling him rotten. And then she went back to work and Max went to the sitter. And then Max quit breathing at the sitter. He was resuscitated but has substantial brain damage and can't breath on his own. His loving parents have some very tough decisions to make in the coming days.

My sister has been at the hospital with them quite a bit and their families are all there. They have a lot of support but this is devastating. I'm so proud of them all! There is no rule book for this kind of thing and no way to know how you will handle it until it happens. They are amazing people. I had the opportunity to see Max yesterday and he is just a doll! He has chubby little legs, a dimple chin, and is just adorable. I gave him a little kiss and told him how loved he was and how proud he makes his mommy and daddy.

And then I came home. And Hulk threw a massive fit and I thanked God he could scream. And today when he colored on the wall I reminded myself how lucky I am that he can see. And when he wanted to make bird feeders I said yes even though I had a lot of other things to do. Because at the end of the day the only that that matters is him. The laundry will be there tomorrow.

The Medium

My sister and I recently met with a medium. We have had palm readings done before and I've recently been very interested in trying out the medium experience. I went in trying to have no expectations but it was a really great experience for me. My sister wasn't as impressed as I was but for me it was awesome.

We of course wanted to know about our mom and the medium was able to tell us some things that were spot on about her. Things that made sense to us and I know put me at ease. One of the best parts for me was when the medium was telling me about mom and Hulk. There have been several times in the past that I have felt like maybe Hulk could see my mom or felt her or something. And the medium was able to give me some information that confirmed that. So I'm thrilled to report that my dead mother thinks my son is "a hoot!"

While I of course wanted to know some things about my mom I really wanted to talk to the medium about Hulk. There are some things that he has done and comments that have been made about him that really made me feel like a medium could provide some answers. And she was able to provide some answers and direction for me and that was a HUGE relief. Hulk even woke up from his nap while she was still at the house so she was able to meet with him too. It was interesting to me to watch their interaction. Very cool experience.

So before the comments start I just need to confirm to you all that I am still a Christian. I believe in God and I think that is the reason I can believe in the power of spirits and the fact that some people can communicate with them. I firmly believe that the relationships and love we have for people on this earth do not end with death. That connection remains and the energy of that kind of love has to go somewhere. Why wouldn't there be a way for someone to connect to it. If we can have a connection with God why wouldn't we be able to connect with the people we love the most after they die? While I know my views do not match everyone else's it is what I believe. It's what I have to believe. So feel free to disagree with me. I'm a big girl. I can handle that. I can even handle lively discussion. But please be respectful and play fair. :-)

Not A God Of Confusion

Oh goodness this has been a whirlwind the past few days in the blogging community hasn't it? April Rose may not be a real baby but this whole thing has taken on a life of it's own. I've had over 1500 hits to my blog in just the last few hours. That blows my mind. I've had lots of emails and I wish I had answers for all of you. I just don't know! How I wish I could give you all answers. Here are just a sampling of the questions and comments that have flooded my inbox.

"Why do you think she did this?"

"Can she be charged for this? Isn't lying a crime?"

"I prayed for her and I never pray! I know God isn't real now because if he was this wouldn't have happened."

"When so many people want babies so badly and have lost babies why would someone take advantage of people's emotions like this?"

Again folks I wish I had all the answers to those questions. In all reality we will never get a chance to speak with the person that has caused these questions to arise. I have a feeling that "B" will not surface anytime soon. While I may not be able to answer your questions I have been in prayer about this so much and hope I can offer a little bit of peace to each of you.

1 Corinthians 14:33 says "For God is not a God of confusion but of peace."

I did receive an email from someone that said they had never prayed for anyone before "B" and April Rose and that this makes them feel like God isn't real because it has turned out to be a scam. But I say no to that! In fact I think that God is very alive in all of this. While I believe that God would be disappointed by activities of deceit and lying I do think that he is thrilled that so many people stormed the gates of heaven with prayer. Many people that have never prayed before or rarely prayed in the past have begun praying. Regardless of what you were praying for that is very powerful! God does not bring confusion but peace much as the above verse states. The peace that can be found in this situation is ultimatly what will prevail.

What peace do I speak of? How about the peace that prayer brings. Even in my frustration yesterday and today I found peace as I prayed about this situation. Anytime I sit in conversation with God I find comfort and peace. When I visited other blogs I had never visited until yesterday and saw they were feeling the same emotions as I, it brought me peace. I hope that as you visit this blog and realize that you are not alone in your feelings that also brings you peace.

I encourage each of you to continue to reach out to one another as you process all of this. Visit blogs, email one another, and most of all continue to pray for one another. While this situation shows us the risks of blogging it also shows us the benefits. Some really wonderful bloggers have come forward to reveal the truth, others have stepped forward to provide support. That is a miracle in itself and that too gives me peace!

Clickin Mama

April Rose.... Fact or Fiction

Wow my email has gone crazy today/tonight with emails about April Rose. For those of you that haven't been following the blog about April Rose I'll give a short version. The April Rose blog was started by "B" a 20 something unwed Christian pregnant girl. She stated she was pregnant with a little girl "April Rose" that had been diagnosed with Trisomy 13. "April Rose" was not expected to live. "B" maintained strict annonymity on her blog but was active in the blog community and has a bunch of followers. Well last night "B" delivered "April Rose" at home and she was born alive. Now today things have blown up and many people believe the blog is a fraud and that there really was no pregnancy or baby "April Rose".

So in answer to many emails I have NO information about "April Rose". I do not know for sure if this story is fact or fiction. I will provide links to various blogs that offer testimony both ways at the bottom of this post. I think the best advice I can give is to read the information available and make your own decision. It is not my place to judge what is true or not.

While I have no direct information about his blog I can give you my opinion on a few of the main issues.

1. Prayer is never wasted. Many readers are upset and feel that if this blog is a hoax that they have wasted time in prayer for "April Rose". My belief is that God hears every prayer and he knows what you will pray before you pray it. So if you are praying for a real baby or not God heard those prayers. In all honesty we all took the risk in praying for an unknown child. God heard those prayers and petitions and took them seriously. We may not have been praying for the "April Rose" we thought we were praying for but there are many children not known to us that need prayers. So that time was not wasted. Any time we spend in communication (prayer) with God is valuable time.

2. Blogging has risks and benefits. The blogging community is a strange beast. If you aren't a blogger you will never understand it. Us bloggers form "relationships" with one another that feel very real but we always have to evaluate how real they are. For example, I have a blogging friend (Julie- Hi Miss Julie) that I feel I have a real relationship with. I have emailed with her, shared pictures with her, and hopefully will meet her in person one day if I can get my butt to Chicago! One of the benefits of that relationship is that we have developed a "relationship" if you can call it that. When my mom died Julie made a donation to the American Cancer Society in my mom's name and when Julie got married I sent her a gift. Those are benefits. Now the risk is that Julie may have made that donation in my mom's name and I could have been lying. Or I could have sent Julie a wedding gift and maybe she wasn't really getting married. You can never be sure. Luckily that has been a good blogging relationship. We each have to weigh the benefits and risks before we get invested in a blog.

So that's what I know. I am in no way going to tell you which way to go with the "April Rose" story. I go back and forth myself. But here are a few blogs that provide some information. I just pray for everyone involved in this deal to find peace and to handle the whole situation with grace.

Gibson Twins

Questions Re: Little April Rose

The Ruffle Blog

Clickin Mama

Free To Be Me

I love love love this song! This is so me right now! I really do feel like I have a couple dents in my fender but on his shoulders that is alright. Even on the hardest days I am free to be me because of his love and the gift of forgiveness. I just keep reminding myself that I don't have to have it all figured out and I don't have to be perfect. He knows the plan and I just have to have faith that he will steer me in the right direction. These may be my feet but it is always his path.



Clickin Mama

Mother's Day Letter

Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there. I hope you have a wonderful day! I'm sure I will. I tend to write The Hulk letters and stick them away for him so one day he will have them. I don't usually share but today I will... Again I hope you all have a fabulous mother's day!

Hey The Hulk-

Happy Mother's Day! It's our second one together! How can that be? Things are just flying by and you are getting so big. When I was growing up my mom, your Grandma Dee, would always get Aunt Heather and I a present for Mother's Day. She always said without us she wouldn't be a mother. I thought she was really silly then but now I get it. Without you I wouldn't be a mother and you are the best gift of all! Oh how I love you!

I was thinking the other night about how much I love being your mom. Watching you grow and loving you is amazing! I also spend a lot of time thinking about how I don't want to screw up! You are too precious to screw up as your mom. But honestly love I'm going to screw up. In fact I already do.

So since we know I can't be perfect I'm just hoping I can be enough for you. I hope I can love you enough, teach you enough, support you enough, and adore you enough to help you become the best man you can be.

The one thing I hope you always remember is that even though I'm not perfect you do have a perfect parent, God. See he knows everything from beginning to end. And nothing surprises God. When I end up shocked by something you do he isn't. He already knew it would happen. When I screw up he won't. He will always provide you with perfect love and support. So on those days that you are fed up with me and my crazy advice or lectures know that he will always listen and guide you.

Alright sweet boy it's almost time for you to wake up. And we have mother's day to spend together. So I'm gonna sign off and go wrap your present.

All my love,

Your Mama

Fear and Pain

I seem to be finding myself very fearful lately. I've been having horrible nightmares. Dreams of The Hulk being run over by semi trucks. Heather being thrown off the Golden Gate bridge. My mom screaming for me and me not being able to get to her. I even had a dream that mom was alive and took The Hulk to see Heather and they all burnt inside the car in a car wreck. Is it shocking that I'm not sleeping much???

So all of these nightmares leave me frazzled even during the day. I find myself almost in a panic if I can't hear The Hulk. If I can't reach Heather by phone after two tries I'm convinced she is hurt or worse. I am even scared to fly at the end of this month to D.C. and I've never been scared of flying.

So what does all this mean? That's the real question! And what is causing it? I think it honestly is my fear of losing the people close to me. After much thought I think some of it is triggered by mother's day approaching. That day is always very difficult for me. So add that stresser with Heather moving away next week and my anxiety goes through the roof.

Living without my mom was my biggest fear. It is still my biggest fear. That pain is still so intense that at times it paralyzes me in a way. Even the thought of being without Heather and The Hulk is too much to bear. Just typing that makes me feel like vomiting. So somehow this fear and pain has crept into my dreams and now my daily activities...

So how do I fix it? Living in fear is not an option. We all take risks every day. Fear and pain and grief are not going to dictate how I live. So something has to give. So how to deal. I've been spending some time praying about this and doing some searches to see what God says in the Bible about fear and grief. I think that helps some. And I've considered doing the therapy thing again. It was beneficial right after mom died so maybe it would help now... I don't know. What I do know is that this can't keep happening...

Good Friday

Well it's Good Friday! Actually for me it's GREAT Friday. I have quite an attachment to Good Friday and Easter for several reasons. First I think it is absolutely amazing that God allowed his son to die and rise again for me for us. I can't imagine that sacrifice and it is overwhelming to me to think that I have that promise of eternal life because of that gift. It really touches me.

But I've always loved Easter. I have loved the hymns and the sunrise services. I love how the church looks filled with lilies. I loved getting up early as a kid with my parents and getting my Easter basket and then heading to the park in the cold before the sun came up to rejoice in the promise of new life. And I loved sitting with my mom in church.

And then she died and Easter became even more important to me. While I miss celebrating it with her it has become another type of celebration for me. It is that promise that I will be with her again. It is that promise that Jesus died for her sins and mine and because of that we will be reunited one day. So now we always go see her on Easter and take her some eggs and some prayers and some conversation and we celebrate the possibility of our future together again. Here are Heather and I with her last year.

And then The Hulk came and Good Friday became Great Friday and Easter became the beginning of my life as a mom. Last year on Good Friday I signed up for the 10:00 slot for the day long prayer vigil at church. And as I was on my knees in church from 10-10:30 I prayed. I prayed for a baby. I prayed for hope, I prayed for peace. I was so depressed. I missed my mom and I was desperate for a baby. And as I prayed I had no idea that my son was already 1 hour old. But God knew. I'm sure he was smiling and laughing a little bit. He knew the gift was coming.

And Easter came and the call came and on that sacred day that baby boy became mine. And I had not only the promise of a new life with my mother but the promise of a new life as his mother. How amazing is that. What gifts the good Lord has given me.....

Happy Good Friday... Happy Great Friday!

Clickin Mama