Friday, May 8, 2009

Fear and Pain

I seem to be finding myself very fearful lately. I've been having horrible nightmares. Dreams of The Hulk being run over by semi trucks. Heather being thrown off the Golden Gate bridge. My mom screaming for me and me not being able to get to her. I even had a dream that mom was alive and took The Hulk to see Heather and they all burnt inside the car in a car wreck. Is it shocking that I'm not sleeping much???

So all of these nightmares leave me frazzled even during the day. I find myself almost in a panic if I can't hear The Hulk. If I can't reach Heather by phone after two tries I'm convinced she is hurt or worse. I am even scared to fly at the end of this month to D.C. and I've never been scared of flying.

So what does all this mean? That's the real question! And what is causing it? I think it honestly is my fear of losing the people close to me. After much thought I think some of it is triggered by mother's day approaching. That day is always very difficult for me. So add that stresser with Heather moving away next week and my anxiety goes through the roof.

Living without my mom was my biggest fear. It is still my biggest fear. That pain is still so intense that at times it paralyzes me in a way. Even the thought of being without Heather and The Hulk is too much to bear. Just typing that makes me feel like vomiting. So somehow this fear and pain has crept into my dreams and now my daily activities...

So how do I fix it? Living in fear is not an option. We all take risks every day. Fear and pain and grief are not going to dictate how I live. So something has to give. So how to deal. I've been spending some time praying about this and doing some searches to see what God says in the Bible about fear and grief. I think that helps some. And I've considered doing the therapy thing again. It was beneficial right after mom died so maybe it would help now... I don't know. What I do know is that this can't keep happening...

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