Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How Much More

I try really hard to stay positive. I try to always put one foot in front of the other. I try to keep trudging forward, pull myself up by the boot straps, see the glass as half full. Really I try to do those things. And most days I'm successful at trying to stay positive. With every ounce of my being I attempt to find the blessings in the midst of the chaos. I look for the silver lining and pray for strength and gratitude. I do have so very much to be thankful for.

But tonight I'm left wondering how much more I can take. How much more can I withstand. Because I feel like I'm breaking. I feel like I'm just worn out, empty really. I'm running out of ideas to save us for yet another month. I'm running out of things to sell, people to photograph, and ways to dodge bills. I never thought my life would be like this and it's frustrating. But most of all it's left me feeling hopeless.

I don't want a lot. I don't want a fancy house or a nice car. I don't want to take a vacation or buy a new wardrobe. What I want is to go to the grocery store and buy the food we need without returning items and getting refunds to pay for it. I want to buy myself one pair of jeans that fits and I want to buy Hulk a pair too. And I don't want name brand crazy expensive jeans. I just want something that fits. I want to get my paycheck and have it get my checking account out of overdraft. I want to pay all of my bills when they are due. Is that crazy? Is that really so hard to imagine. We have been living like this for more than a year now and I really don't know how much more I can take.

Every day I wonder what is going to get shut off, who is going to call for money, if someone is going to sue me. Every day I pray that disaster doesn't strike. Every day I hope against hope that somehow some miracle will happen and some relief will come. But how long can one person hope. How long can I keep going like this. And how can I make it better? I just don't know....

Oh how I wish life was just a little bit easier....

1 comment:

Holleyberry said...

Sounds like time to visit with a consumer credit specialist? Make sure they are legit - like one with the NFCC. You can speak with them for free and it's confidential. ( What about food stamps or special programs for single Moms? Now is not the time to be proud - if there is help out there, take it. You deserve it. Can you rent out your house or find a reputable company to buy it outright? Do you have an extra bedroom that you could rent out - maybe to a grad student? Hang in there - you're doing the best you can, so don't beat yourself up.